14 months after “two weeks to flatten the curve” and I just wanted to share my parenting woes with anyone willing to listen.
Pandemic parenting has really been something.
Now I know that we are ALL affected, whether or not we have kids, and the different age groups of those kids.
I have had a lot of conversations with people who have kids in preschool, elementary school, middle school, high school, and even post-college. There are different issues that all of them are having to face, from virtual schooling, to masking, to the loss of normalcy and socialization, to learning things like physics and algebra using a form of teaching/learning that is new to everyone, to a job market that is a bit different since the economy took plenty of hits in ways we probably don’t even fully understand yet.
The fact of the matter is, no matter the age, our kids are having a tough time.
This is not the place to come at me with a “kids are resilient!” message because honestly, this is much different than an adaptation at school or rolling off the bed as a baby. I am so over this phrase I could cry. The numbers do not lie and our younger generation is in an undeniable mental health crisis.
I know parents are having a tough time too, but I want to specifically address my woes in this post, with a preschool-age child and another who turned 1 in July 2020. I can’t speak to everyone of course, but here are some of my biggest “WTF” issues that we’ve run into over the past 14 months with kids 3 and under.
Less Effective School Opportunities
Here is a little background about us: my son turned 3 in August of 2020, and he exhibited a pretty significant language delay. He is the older of our two (they say the younger ones are likely to do more talking since they emulate their siblings) and we had been working with our county on some early intervention services and screenings for him for a while. I remember having an appointment with our service coordinator that Monday 3/16/2020 and a speech therapy appointment on 3/17/2020. Now this was the week that the US went into lockdown and nobody knew what the hell was going on. Both of those appointments were cancelled, and I never heard from our speech therapist again. We had just put Heath into a pre-school that seemed to be helping at lot with his speech and development, but that week the preschool closed, and unfortunately it never opened back up as the owner took too big of a hit to keep the doors open when all of this happened. That really sucked for us too as socialization had been such a positive thing for our little guy. Plus, I felt like our needs had totally slipped through the cracks as no one did anything face to face for an increasing period of time and it’s a crappy feeling to not ever hear from the people again who were helping you make some progress in communication.
In NC, the kids transfer out of the Infant/Toddler program we were working with and into the public school system at 3 years old. This is a process they are normally totally on top of, as demonstrated by the fact that we were starting the process 5 months in advance at that point! But with COVID and us moving and living temporarily in VA in July through early October of 2020, the process dragged out extensively.
Once we settled in Raleigh, we went through calls and meetings and evaluations for months until the early learning coordinators laid out a plan and the teacher reached out explaining what school would be like.
There were only 5 other kids in the class.
They would be wearing masks all day (at 3 years old!! Not even a state requirement…) We did question the state requirement to them, and their response was “well it’s not required, but we’ll be training them…” and I imagine that’s about the time I stopped listening. That’s a big NO from me.
They stay in groups of two and therefore only have one playmate at a time.
They stay 6 feet apart in their lines, with their masks on, and then when it’s time for lunch, they all take their masks off and sit down on the floor to eat together.
They. eat. lunch. on. the. floor.
I was sick over this for days. I picture what this looks like in my head even now and it makes me so, so sad. My child was in need of socialization and learning through play, and this was not the scene they painted for me. My husband and I had a serious conversation about it and decided we couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t imagine that THIS would be what his first schooling experience would be like. These school services are free, but we decided to pay out of pocket elsewhere to provide an atmosphere that is clearly more conducive to play, and smiles, and exploration.
But before we found his current preschool, I had asked our early learning coordinator what our options were — we were provided with nothing besides the above school scenario. They normally offer the option to have a county-provided teacher or specialist to work with your child in a private preschool setting, but, “due to COVID”, they aren’t offering that anymore.
Also, all evaluations for our son were virtual. I understand why; but, I worry about other kids who could be on the spectrum, and virtual evaluations to identify that to provide for beneficial early intervention just are not enough. These types of evaluations need to be in person! They just do. I think it’s a disservice to the kids to do it this way.
Earlier I mentioned that we lived in VA temporarily in between moves last year, and we had stayed with my in-laws during that time. Their neighbors are grandparents to, I believe, 13 kids of varying ages. They have set up the pool and playground and trampoline for the whole family, and they have lots of family get-togethers, so we would see the kids out often and Heath was very curious. It was an interesting experience as my shy little pandemic preschooler was invited into their little play groups. It was a baby step process for him to finally be comfortable with them all, and really opened my eyes to the socialization gap that this whole situation created for young kids just like Heath.
We are in a much better place now that we went outside of the school system to find a Montessori school that he’s loving. His speech has progressed so much since he started there, but I worry often about the future of schooling.
The push toward technology, and virtual lessons, and lessening the opportunities for play, and talk of 6 foot-spaced desks with plexiglass between them, worries the crap out of me still but I just keep telling myself we’ll figure something else out if that’s what the future of public school looks like. It brings me a little peace with all of this!
Masks on Kids?!
The guidance on this has been inconsistent, and I understand that the virus is new and the science was still being studied therefore the age requirements may move.
Okay.
So the states set their age requirements for kids to wear masks; in my state; I believe we started at age 11 and up, and then eventually went down to 5 and up.
I want to remind you that my son is 3. Schools should not be “training” him to wear the mask, nor should he be pressured into it by being the only kid without one. Why are we even doing this in kids so young?!
At his age, he’s picky about who touches him (as he should be).
He won’t wear hats, helmets, or any such thing on his head, much less over his face. Nor do I want him to be any more desensitized to masks and the absence of smiles than he already is.
Picking out his clothes for the day could go surprisingly quick and easy, or it could be a total battle and we never know which it’s going to be.
I know some people are comfortable masking their children, but I am not. It would stress him out, it would be a battle, I won’t normalize it, and it’s just something I can’t get onboard with.
Also, I cringe to think about how this is affecting kids to not see people’s faces and mouths, ESPECIALLY those with speech delays who need to see lips as people talk to them.
Lastly, businesses have to bear the brunt of the decision-making here, and there is absolutely no way to please everyone and keep their entire audience here. That’s a crazy reality to have to accept.
One of our frequented stores is REI, and I was in need of a new ski jacket this winter for a ski trip we were taking so I figured that would be the place for me. They had the mask police at the door though, and they stopped me to ask how old Heath was. I was informed that kids over the age of two need to mask up. They would not let us in without one. I tried to put one on him, and it went terribly to save the details, so we had to turn around and look elsewhere. Do y’all KNOW what it takes to get two kids out the door for an outting?!
Oof.
Play Cancelled
Remember when all the playgrounds were closed?! While most have opened back up, plenty are still closed or by private appointment only.
All the playgrounds and indoor play spaces were blocked off with caution tape, and it was a rough time as a parent to find a new place to try, and once you finally get the kids out to play outside of the walls you all stare at every single day, you arrive there to see everything blocked off and desolate.
Lots of colorful language came out of my mouth as I would roll up to yet another blocked off play area, let me tell you.
Even the ones that were open, I’d make an appointment hoping my kid could just play with some other little people for one hour, but then we’d be the only people there.
I always say that Sammy is the parent who gets down and draws, paints, builds, and does lots of hands on stuff. My bigger parenting contribution is being the adventure parent. It’s what I do. I go to new places, I like to be outside, to explore, to get a change of scenery and to get out of the house.
That’s my thing.
To say that this situation wrecked the way I usually spend my time or feel about doing parenting the way I want to is an understatement and I’m still adjusting to that every single day.
Exnay on Public Restrooms
Okay so suppose you found a place that was open where you could actually get out of the house and find something you needed — yay!
I think this is a good place for a reminder: I have a 3-year-old BOY. He doesn’t just sip on things throughout the day either; he CHUGS them. It’s a little quirk of his.
So, he also pees a lot.
Can’t tell you how many times we’d get somewhere to buy the kids some new clothes, or to shop for anything at all really, and about two minutes after we arrive I hear, “PEE, MOMMY!”
And all you parents KNOW: when you hear this, you are either already too late and your kid has just peed in the cart, or you have about 12.3 seconds to make some serious moves before the aforementioned scenario takes place in public.
So many places had blocked off all their public restrooms though! So my little dude peed in a LOT of parking lots and grass (you can bet I let him pee on REI’s grass too).
What was a parent supposed to do though?!
Availability of Products
I don’t know what is going on with the supply chain exactly (lots of things, I imagine…) but I know that there are plenty of items that I haven’t been able to find on the shelves since this whole thing started.
Clothing that is the right size for my kids (12-18 months and 3T was stupid hard to find).
Accessories for kids, especially those needed in the winter time.
I feel like it was a mess trying to find things for the kids and I still have to order most of it online because I just can’t find it in stores.
And Amazon is clearly price gauging so I try to avoid buying a lot on there anymore. It’s just been a confusing time to know where to find certain things!
Voicemail is the new Conversation
So you want to call the store in advance to ask if they carry that item you need? Hope you’ve got a couple days to wait!
NO ONE ANSWERS THE PHONE ANYMORE.
It feels like EVERY business now has an automated recording with the option to leave a message. But no one actually calls back the same day.
Other services, like the early learning groups we needed, were all automated because everyone was working from home exclusively. I was always relayed to a voicemail and was always told to contact them through the number that I already knew led me to a voicemail mailbox. It was incredibly frustrating.
Screen Time Everywhere
This leads to more online shopping, which leads to more screen time for me, which leads to my kids seeing me staring at my phone more often which I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE.
I really really dislike all the time I spend on my phone and now we have to use it everywhere we go either to figure out what to eat, to fill out a questionnaire, or to check in for an appointment.
Many restaurants stopped making physical menus forcing you to use the code on your phone to scroll their menu.
So you go out to eat as a group of 4 people and two kids, let’s say, and all of a sudden all the adults pick up their phones and stare at them for a while.
I hate the way that looks. It strikes this chord within me that makes me feel that technology is taking over human connection in some ways and it’s a very hopeless feeling.
And it’s EVERYWHERE.
Parents trying to work from home and have small kids at home constantly needing attention (I mean of course they do, but who can do both?!?!) is leading to lots of screen time up in my house. It’s become the norm, Heath wants it, and what I fear even worse is that I want that time in my day to myself too so it’s more of a daily thing. Which leads to me feeling a lot less creative in the types of activities I do with my kids or even what I’m willing to do, which leads to…
Mom Guilt Galore
Parents are having to do. SO. MUCH.
Yes, they always have.
But oh man, at least the existence of a work/life balance and separation was also a thing not so long ago!
Now we’re in a constant of multi-tasking. Working, home making, parenting, are all just a big chaotic ball of WTF’s that is all mixed together and it feels like none of it can actually be done effectively.
Not to mention, I had a job a few years ago that was WILD, MAN. The amount of responsibilities and tasks I had to keep up with was just astronomical. Being the perfectionist that I am, I worked really really hard and really long hours to get it all done, but I was in a CONSTANT state of multi-tasking that I really think exacerbated some attention deficiency I already had and now I have no idea how to function in an orderly way anymore. I don’t think I ever recovered from that state and it is incredibly hard for me to focus now.
This is every moment of every day of my current reality.
The problem is, when you have that many things swirling around and tugging at you, it feels like you can never actually do any of them particularly effectively.
Which leads to a lot of feelings.
And a lot of, “well it’s just until…” or “it’ll be nice once…” x happens and this precious time with my kids has passed and I would be wishing I hadn’t wished it away once.
So many feelings.
I actually have draft blog posts from MONTHS ago that are called “So many Feelings” and another that is called “Up in my Feelings” lollllll
I never finished them or published them, likely because of at least four of the reasons listed above…
I know that this pandemic has been a lot of things for a lot of people, and for some it cost them their life.
And here I am complaining about bathrooms.
I know.
But this is my experience, my perspective, one of the major ways it has impacted my life and my kids’ lives.
It makes me feel the feels! Maybe you too?
If you’re a parent of a child or children of preschool age, what woes can you add to the list? Tell me in the comments — we can commiserate together 🙂
