Society Rehab September!

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Hello friends.

As I watch Virginia Tech bring in their first touchdown against Liberty, I am smiling because COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!

I have sorely missed watching my heroes in maroon and orange on cool fall days with the windows open and the TV turned up to level 80, leaving no room for doubt about our fandom with all the neighbors.

I can break out my 27 Virginia Tech shirts, some with holes, some with the writing so faded you can barely tell who it’s supporting.

But I know.

I will always know.

Short sleeves in September, long sleeves in October and November.

I can fist bump strangers on the street in a “foreign” city such as Denver, saying “let’s goooo!” and they finish it with “Hokiessss!!”

(Who am I kidding, I do this 24/7 anyway!)

HOKIE NATION!

Can you tell I’m pumped?

Through my excitement though, as Peter Griffin once said in his very own regular news segment on Family Guy, “ya wanna know what really grinds my gears?”

Can someone PLEASE tell me when people decided to start being complete lazy asses and not returning their shopping carts to the designated areas? It is positively INFURIATING to start pulling into an epic parking space and then you’re so rudely presented with THIS tragedy:

Obviously folks just could NOT be bothered to locate that cart return 20 yards away and wheel the stupid thing over to it. Nope, just ain’t NObody got time fo dat.

The other day at a grocery store across town, my husband even saw THIS monstrosity and sent me the picture because he knows I harbor strong feelings about this topic.

Here we have a classic case where the problem got so out of control that even the person in charge of fixing it threw his hands up in the air and said “fuck it!”

This is a societal problem, y’all. We can no longer walk the 40 additional steps to do the right thing. We’d rather put more work on others. And I mean ALL kinds of others, I’m not just talking about the people who collect the carts for the store.

It is really quite simple. You use a cart. You return the cart. That is all.

I read that in other countries such as the UK and Canada, stores have put in place actual locking dispensers that you must pay for a cart, and you get the coin back when you return the cart. Positive reinforcement of some sort by presenting us simple humans with a “prize” for doing what you’re supposed to do. Good job!

I’ve gotten to the point where I try to embarrass the douche canoes that I might get lucky enough to catch looking around, deciding on the blank space in the parking lot that I just know they will wheel their groceries’ trusty steed over to and subsequently abandon it because our general way of thinking has become, “oh well, someone else will take care of it.”

People.

Take care of your own shit! Can we stop assuming that actions WE directly take and decisions WE ourselves make will just be taken care of by someone else? This is a confusing thing. It’s like the Bystander Effect only people are directly contributing to the problem rather than being actual bystanders anymore. It’s the I-don’t-a-fuck effect, and people must be stopped. Or else there is an excuse for everything, such as having kids in your presence or not being able to walk that far. This is crazy talk, and if anything, it’s a perfect opportunity to teach the little ones how to do this, and for everyone else, I’m just going to say that living a sedentary lifestyle isn’t real healthy on a body either.

TAKE YOUR CART BACK.

These people take the time to look around to locate a blank space so they can be a lazy asshat and perform the drop off, but their eyes are actually closed to the cart return that is right there for this very purpose. What IS this???

Someone please help me understand. Help me help YOU. 

I have seen people stand there for over a minute positioning their cart just right so it is a few inches away from cars on all sides. Can we agree this time could have been better spent?

I have seen these idjuts spending time positioning their carts just so the front wheels are in the grass and the cart won’t roll. Because, you know, there’s no such thing as wind and all.

I don’t understand why people spend all this time in their lives doing childish stuff like this like no one can touch them. Where are these creatures’ parents?? Grow up, Peter Pan!

People are lacking in the usage of the thought process of: if I do this thing, is it right or wrong? Am I causing direct stress on others? Am I a lazy asshole who could look for little ways to better myself in my daily life?

Yeah, I’ve heard ignorance is bliss. I’m sure it is.

So I do my best to absolutely wreck this bliss with the angry sound of a car horn and passive-aggressively throwing my arms in the air with a “COME AHN!!!!!”

I point at them to let them know that it is YOU.

YOU are an issue.

I think next time I’ll pull a Jack from Meet the Parents: I’m watching you.

And you are DEFINITELY outside the Circle of Trust.

Can I make a suggestion for all you do-gooders who might be reading this?

In the month of September, can we make a pact to do a little society rehab?

Sometimes you have to lead the horse to water AND make him drink. Such is life, I have learned. Babysitting is a full time responsibility for people who like for shit to get done.

Sometimes you must put the pen in the approver’s hand and say, “sign on the goddamn line, Earl, or I won’t make your favorite coffee for a year!”

Lots of people are sheep and may even change their actions by watching others cover up for them. They might feel ashamed in thinking, that was pretty simple; I could have easily done that myself. Someone’s asshole parent, sibling or friend probably set a bad example along the way and the perpetrator thinks it’s normal behavior to follow suit and leave carts all over creation.

My favorites are the ones in the very back of row of parking lots that I know full and well NEVER fill up all the way. Someone had to have walked it all the way back there and left it, though I bet a cart return was closer.

Please, I beg of you, don’t be THAT guy.

My challenge to you is: 

See a cart, or two, or three (bonus points!) and either bring them with you to use yourself and/or return the rest.

One month, unlimited potential.

• One small step toward cleaning up our communities because we all know this isn’t limited to grocery stores by any means
• Helping out the folks who get paid shit for money to do plenty of things you’d never in your life want to do and for whatever reason that is none of our business, some turn of life has landed them in this place of employment
• Creating a slight proactive mind shift in yourself and maybe even others to help stop this madness
• You will feel good about yourself and your actions, and may even receive a “thank you” or two
• If you believe in Karma, then I don’t think I need to finish the rest of this sentence
• The likelihood of there NOT being a resident cart in your next lucky parking spot discovery might go up

Do I have any takers?

I will even make it a contest.

If people participate, and post on Facebook or Instagram with hashtag #societyrehabseptember, hell, you can even email me pics of carts being brought back. You can text me if you know me. I don’t care how you send it, I just want to spread some good. Get your kids involved, your friends, your family.

I will give away a $50 gift card to the awesome person full of badassery who brings the most abandoned shopping carts back to their home. I will do this for you, to help stop this unexplainable phenomenon.

Money is the best motivator, right?!

Make a show out of it if you must. Grabbing attention could convert some people over to the light side.

If you want to print and hang signs saying something along the lines of “do your part, return your cart!” or “don’t be an asshole! The cart won’t return itself” or even “if you can’t return your basket, I’ll blow a gasket!”

Sidewalk chalk can also lead to unlimited possibilities.

Whatever works.

Creativity is encouraged.

Sharing is encouraged.

Spreading the love is also highly encouraged.

Now, get out there and starting rehabbing! I’ll leave you with this: